As a general rule, youth pastors talk for a living (yes, even introvert youth pastors)… and if volunteer appreciation were a pay check, the same could be said for key volunteer youth workers and long-term small group leaders.
Whether it’s teaching the bible, praying at the end of a youth event, encouraging a parent or telling a great story to a group of junior highs, our roles revolve around communication and those of us who have been at it for a while have invested heavily in being better communicators. So the first time I realized that my listening, not my talking, was making the biggest impact on the students in my youth group I was shocked!
So the first time I realized that my listening, not my talking, was making the biggest impact on the students in my youth group I was shocked.
After all… I had been to *bible college*! I had such insightful things to share! How was it that listening well to students could have an even bigger impact than my best sermon? It would be years before I understood why, but I’m happy to share how the practice of listening in youth ministry made me a more effective pastor.
Why Listening Well is So Powerful
1. Listening models God’s character.
Have you ever noticed what a good listener God is? I mean, think about the last time you really prayed… you poured out your deepest feelings, your thoughts, and your questions to the God of the Universe and — he listened to you. Perhaps one of the deepest mysteries of prayer is the reality from Psalm 8:4:
What are mere mortals that you should think about them?
Human beings that you should care for them?
God, our Good Father, (who I’m sure has plenty of other very important things to do!) has time to listen to us. When we listen to our students well (not half-there or semi-attentive), we are pointing students to the One who does this best.
2. Listening tells the truth about identity.
One of the fundamental realities about the teen years is a deep wrestling with insecurities over identity and value. Their brains have developed rapidly in this time period, and with a newly developed capacity to actually consider what it means to be a fallen human being (one who is imperfect, wrestles with sin, makes mistakes, hurts others, and doesn’t flawlessly exist in this world) it’s no wonder that our students look in the mirror some days and wonder if they are “worth it” to anybody.
… it’s no wonder that our students look in the mirror some days and wonder if they are “worth it” to anybody.
While your words of affirmation are important, nothing speaks as loudly as your careful, thoughtful, uninterrupted listening presence in their lives. We may say that teenagers matter, but listening well proves we believe it.
We may say that teenagers matter, but listening well proves we believe it.
3. Listening creates an opportunity for meaningful processing.
As much as we all believe we know what we think, it’s usually not until we say it out loud, talk it out and have someone we actually trust hear what we’re saying that we really arrive anywhere. Listening well builds trust; with that trust and even more good listening we are able to give a unique gift to the students in our lives: a quiet place to process in a world of busyness and noise.
It’s not the lack of information that makes life complicated for today’s teens; it’s no place to “think” and reflect to develop the deep wisdom that makes our lives rich and meaningful. Listening well fights back against all of this.
How to Do it Better
I hope I’ve reminded you just how powerful great listening really is… So how do we do it really well?
Here’s a few things you can put into practice right away.
- Get your phone out of sight, and don’t pick it up EVER during the conversation.
(Stop making excuses, there are other ways of keeping an eye on the time!) - Stop interrupting. Don’t finish their sentences.
(This is THE habit you need to break… it’s not helping you, it’s hurting your effectiveness.) - Let your eyes scream “delight“.
(God delights in His children, and you have the privilege of sharing in that delight. Look at your students when they’re talking.) - Silence the conversation in your head.
(It’s ok if you need a minute to think of what to say when they pause and ask what you think! Resist the temptation to be planning your response while they’re pouring out their heart.) - Be curious, not certain.
(When you’re certain you’ve got the right answer, you’ll start giving advice. When you’re curious about what they’re thinking, what God’s saying and how they’re feeling, you’ll ask great questions.) - Say thank you.
(Hearing someone’s heart is a tremendous privilege. Make sure they know that you feel that way! Always thank student’s for trusting you and sharing their life with you.)
God delights in His children, and you have the privilege of sharing in that delight. Look at your students when they’re talking.
The best part about improving your listening ministry is that it doesn’t matter what’s on your calendar this week, you’ll have an opportunity to practice it! And if this week is “talk-heavy” for you (preaching, teaching, small-group, etc.) I’m praying that this will be a useful touch point for you as you look for the key moments to hear what the students in your ministry are saying.